Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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