i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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