So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
