Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
