textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My cat gives me a boner
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
