I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
