Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
