so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
