I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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