4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So many bounce houses so little time
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
