No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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