I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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