my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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