Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I woke up under a house in Key West
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
