I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
