i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
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i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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