this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
