I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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