I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
