life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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