So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
