I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
