I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
are you so shy because you have an std?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
