Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
