I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
