Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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