If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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