If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
