Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
