i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
