please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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