I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
