ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
