its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
