I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
