I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
