Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
