Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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