my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
