so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
