You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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