No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
