I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
