I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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