last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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