Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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