drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
