I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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