it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
