I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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