I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
