Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
