so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
