i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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