I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
