yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
