After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
